I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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