worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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