You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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