Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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