I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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