So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
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Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
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We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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