you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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