i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
