Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
