Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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