So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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