This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
