dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
