he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
