when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
