She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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