True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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