There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
