He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
