if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
