she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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