haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
