So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
