That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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