3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Randomize
