I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
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He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
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The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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