can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
