i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
