When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
