bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
