I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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