woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
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I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
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I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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