david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
