Sry I called you an 8
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
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I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
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my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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