I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
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I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
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Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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