Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
