I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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