dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
