yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
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I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
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Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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