she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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