Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
