i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
