This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
