before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
