My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
