I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
