You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
