What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
