I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
