There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
