My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
