I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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