So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
