I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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