apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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