Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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