Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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